Not Coming Home
by atalanta's apples
Summary: updated-Charlie's reaction- the usual adam angst, bitter and lonely, we've all been there-You dream about dying, you fantasize about suicide. Don't you think it's time you turn your dreams to reality? 'Absolutely,' Adam whispered.
1. Default Chapter

_Disclaimer_: I don't own the Mighty Ducks and the title belongs to Maroon 5. 

_Author's note_: something I wrote 1:30 in the morning after realizing the same thing Adam does. 

**~*Not Coming Home*~**

Adam blew out a long stream of breath, watching the whiteness dissipate.  It was a snowy day and he was freezing on the park bench, waiting for Charlie to come meet him.  He had been waiting for nearly thirty minutes but it was like Charlie to be late.

"Sorry man, something came up," said Charlie, finally, jogging up to the bench.  Adam felt frozen and blew warm air into his fingers.

"It's okay," he said.  His legs were shaking and he didn't know whether it was from nerves or the weather.

"So what did you want to talk about?  You sounded pretty serious on the phone Banksie, and that's saying a lot since you're almost always serious."  Adam tried to keep a thoughtful expression on his face as he grew even more nervous.

"Oh you know, just wanted to talk and catch up.  It feels like I haven't seen you around lately." 

"You know how it is with girls," said Charlie, with an impish grin.  Adam felt his insides starting to writhe.

"Yeah, sure." 

"I don't know, usually I get pissed off if a girl starts taking up all of my time but with Linda I don't seem to mind.  She's a pretty cool girl." 

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about."  Adam couldn't believe he had the courage to say that.  He was going to go through with it; he was going to tell Charlie Conway what he had been harboring for years.  Adam always thought it was meant to be; he couldn't help but be impressed by Charlie's passion for hockey and life and it was only a matter of time before that awe turned into something else.

Sometimes Adam hoped Charlie felt the same way but other times he felt as though he was hopelessly deluding himself. __

_~_

_Adam watched the screen of his laptop come to life with instant messages.  He typed in his own message:_

**_Abanks99: so what else is new?_**

**_Spazchaz: nothing really you know, life is really boring._**

****

**_Abanks99: it's alright, at least we don't have a lot of homework.  _**

_Adam watched as Linda had signed off.  She was just another one of a million other peoples' screen names he had but never talked to._

**_Spazchaz: hey I g2g, ttyl.   _**

Adam bit his lip.  Obviously Charlie hadn't stayed up until 1:00 in the morning to talk to him, he had stayed up to talk to Linda.  Feeling sick to his stomach, Adam, too, signed off.

~

It was times like that that made Adam feel like nothing but a stranger lurking the shadows, watching Charlie's every move.  He wished that Charlie would like him too and sometimes he honestly seemed like he did, like when they joked around sometimes too friendly to be just friends.  Or sometimes when Adam would venture up a meaningful topic, Charlie would tell him that he's a good guy.  Adam was sick of what this was putting him through and he was ready to put an end to it.

"What about Linda?" asked Charlie.

"I just…are you sure you feel the way you do about Linda?"  Do you love her, Adam asked silently.

"I like her a lot, sure, but it's not true love or anything, Banks," Charlie answered easily, as if he had read Adam's mind.  "But what's really on your mind, don't BS with me, I can see right through it."  Adam bit his lip.

"Do you ever feel as if you were meant to be with someone?  That two people just matched each other so well and you just loved to spend time with them even if they two people wouldn't really admit it?" 

"What?"  Charlie's brow furrowed in thought.  "You like someone, don't you Banks?  Come on, don't deny it."  His face cleared, as he looked happy for his friend.  "Come on, who is it" Adam's internal battle reigned but his desperate need to know the truth won out despite what the cautious side of his brain was screaming.

"You.  It's you Charlie.  I like you, no, I love you."  Charlie's look of happiness crumbled into confusion.

"What?" 

"Look, I've liked you a lot for a long time.  At first I just liked you, as a friend.  And I, I don't know, idolized you."  Adam flushed; he wasn't sure he liked pouring out his soul like this; it made him too vulnerable.  "And then when we started being friends I realized you weren't just all about hockey, you were so into living life and being passionate." 

"Adam what are you trying to say?"  Adam barely noticed the fact that Charlie had called him by his first name.

"I need to know, Charlie.  Do you feel the same way?"  Adam watched Charlie's face carefully.  Charlie, himself, was thrown into confusion.  Him, an idol?  It was so strange coming from the same guy that Charlie had secretly wanted to be for as long as he knew him.  But did he want him?  That he wasn't so sure. 

"Adam…I don't know.  I'm not sure if I like you, in that way.  Look, we're good friends and you're a good guy, you know I think that, right?"  The good guy thing again, thought Adam, bitterly.  If only he had known that what Charlie meant by that was just friends.

"But I think I really do like Linda.  I do.  But thanks for telling me, Adam, it means a lot that you'd trust me enough to tell me." Adam nearly told Charlie to fuck off and stop being such a nice guy but he couldn't.  He just wanted Charlie even more after knowing he was even more unattainable than before.

"Adam?"  Charlie's face showed concern as his friend blanched and took several steps back.  He doesn't love me, he never will, Adam realized.  He had known, or he should have known, but he just didn't accept it until now.  All those times he saw Charlie and Linda talking and laughing, fitting so well with one another when he thought it was him and Charlie that fit well.  Obviously not. 

"I…just…I have to be alone."  Charlie nodded understandingly.

"Okay, but I'm here for you, okay?"  Adam didn't even hear as he started sprinting back to his dorm.  But his dorm wasn't big enough to hold all of his feelings, that feeling that your heart was breaking into pieces and the shards were piercing your stomach.

Adam walked aimlessly around, barely feeling the cold.  His insides felt the same; in fact, they were colder.  He took off his sweatshirt and threw it where it landed in the snow.  He was angry and just sad, so sad.  Without thinking, he walked inside a building and started climbing the stairs.  Walking wasn't fast enough so he started running, sprinting up the stairs and bursting out through the door, onto the roof of the building.  He didn't know how long he was running or how high he was up.  But he felt as though he was on top of the world.

People always talk about how when above everything you see that everything is trivial and nothing was worth getting bent out of shape for.  But Adam could see the whole world from here and all he felt was alone, so very alone.  The wind bit at his arms.  He had nothing left.  He had wanted Charlie for so long and now that that part of him was ripped away without his consent, he felt empty and dead.  

Adam edged closer to the side of the building and stood on the railing, swaying with the wind.  The ground teetered precariously, or was it him that was moving? 

/You should have known, he doesn't love you and he never will./

"I thought he did.  I thought he could have."

/You're alone, so alone.  Nothing's left.  Don't lie; you were thinking about doing this for a long time weren't you?/

"No lies here, and yes, yes I was."

/School is worthless, so is life.  The redundancy of it makes you want to cry as you hopelessly try to change the disgusting form you're in./

"You're right, you're always right," Adam muttered.

/You love to dream about how people will react and how dramatic it will be if you just died./

"Guilty as charged."  

/You loved him, didn't you?/ 

"Yes," he whispered.

/All those cuts, all that pain, is life really worth it?  What is there in the end? Money and retirement and being old?  Growing old only brings you embarrassment and pain, you never wanted to be old, isn't that right?/ 

"I'd rather die than be old."

/Yes, yes./  Was it just his imagination or was the voice starting to get more and more excited?  /Why go home, Adam, when you have the choice to fly away from all of that?/

"I'm not coming home, not tonight." 

/You dream about dying, you fantasize about suicide.  Don't you think it's about time you turn your dreams to reality?/

"Absolutely," Adam whispered.  He pushed the image of Charlie to the furthest corner of his mind and he flung his arms wide like a rock star and threw himself from the building's edge.  He wasn't coming home, not tonight. 

**~*End*~**

a/n: can you tell I'm in a shitty mood?  Thanks for reading~


	2. Chapter Two

_Author's Note_: shitty mood strikes once more and someone had mentioned that it would be interesting to take this a step further so there it is.

**~*Not Coming Home*~**

**~*Chapter Two*~**

Charlie lay back on his bed, hands clenched into fists so tight his knuckles were white.  He had one chance; he had had one shot to make things okay and he failed.  Now Adam was gone forever and he was forced to go to his goddamn funeral in less than thirty minutes.  Casey stuck her head into his room.  

"Charlie."  Her eyes were over bright as she came near to sit on the bed.  Charlie's reaction was to shrink away from his mom and stare off into space.  She was talking, Charlie could tell by the moving lips.  But he couldn't decipher anything she was saying.  

"It's not your fault.  Adam wasn't as strong as we all would have liked to think," she was saying.  Charlie caught bits and pieces of his mother's pep talks that came nearly daily now. 

"He couldn't hold on.  It wasn't your fault."  Mindless chatter.  No, she was wrong.  He had his one chance to save Adam.  His one shot.  If he hadn't been such a self absorbed jackass he would have known that if it really hadn't bothered Adam he wouldn't have run off like that.  If he hadn't been so obsessed about meeting Linda on time, he would have run after Adam to see if he was really okay.  __

_/flashback/_

_"Charlie?  Charlie Conway?"  It was the Dean of students.  Charlie frowned, wondering what was wrong.  He hadn't pulled any tricks lately and the Dean held an expression tight with an emotion that Charlie couldn't decipher rather than anger.  _

_  
"I'm afraid there's something that you need to hear."  Fear started to course through Charlie's veins, the euphoria that his date with Linda had created dissipating.  Was he being suspended?  Expelled? _

_"Adam Banks, your fellow team member and as I hear, good friend, has passed away."  Charlie went numb._

_"Passed away?" he echoed.  _

_"He killed himself."  Now Charlie could finally put his finger on the Dean's expression.  It was one of annoyance and worry._

_"Why would he do that?" _

_"I don't know," the Dean snapped.  "That's what me and the a million nosy reporters will want to know."  Charlie still hadn't quite come to terms with what was happening._

_"No, there's no way.  I just saw him today.  Banksie's not dead, he's probably in his room or hanging out with…" _

_"He's dead.  He jumped off from the top of Gallef Hall."  Gallef Hall, the tallest building on campus.  _

_"Are you sure it's him?" _

_"He had his wallet with him for identification and his face was not marred."    
  
_

_"You're lying." _

_"Does it look like I'm lying!" the Dean screamed.  He was turning red.  "Imagine what this will do to the school's reputation!"  Something inside Charlie snapped and he launched himself at the older man, punching him in the eye._

"Go to hell!" Charlie screamed.  "Leave me and Banksie the hell alone!"  The last thing Charlie remembered was the Dean calling for help as he let himself leave he conscious world.

_/end flashback/_

Charlie had been able to pass expulsion by using the fact that he had been distraught with the sudden news of Adam's death.  Now, in hindsight, Charlie wondered if expulsion might have been better.  He hated everything about Eden Hall and hated it even more now that it had been the means of Adam's suicide. 

Charlie faced the mirror and saw an emaciated body and an angry face look back.  He barely recognized himself as he tied his tie and followed the sound of his mother's voice to the car.  He watched the world from the passenger seat as he replayed over and over the last conversation he had with Adam.  His one chance.  One shot.  

"Charlie, honey, we're here," Casey said softly.  Charlie slowly made his way out of the car and through the throngs of mourning people, eventually to the sad eyes and arms of his friends.  He pushed them all away as he stood as close to the coffin as he could and waited patiently through the ceremony until it was his turn to speak.  It took him awhile to register the fact that Mr. Banks was motioning for him to take to the front of the group.  

"Banksie…Adam Banks was a strong willed person who was always cheerful and will always be in our hearts."  The accusing face of Adam floated in Charlie's mind as he started off with clichés.  Charlie looked out at the listening audience and felt anger surge through him.  Here was all of them pretending like they were mourning over the death of Adam when they were only interested in the gossip of the matter and the shrimp cocktails in the reception. 

"You know what?  Fuck this."  A shocked silence fell over the murmuring people.  "Banksie was probably stronger than me or any of you bastards out there will ever be.  He was the only one who was strong enough to see this shit filled life for what it was and leave it.  I had one chance.  One shot.  I blew it but you know what?  It makes me feel a lot better knowing that I wasn't the only one that killed him!"  Charlie turned to the silently weeping Mrs. Banks and stoic Mr. Banks.

"Did you ever hug your son goodbye?  Or tell him you loved him?  Did you ever look at him when he was off the ice?"  An angry cloud passed over Mr. Banks' eyes.  Charlie whirled onto his friends.

"Why didn't you see it?  Godammit, why didn't _any of us see it coming?_  Why do we have to be so selfish!"  Charlie was vaguely aware that Connie had started to sob hysterically and registered faintly that Fulton was pulling on his arm, trying to hug him.  Charlie pushed him away; he pushed all of them away.

"Fuck all of you! If it weren't for us, Banksie would be here!  Don't sit there thinking he wasn't strong enough to hold on." He looked directly at Casey when he said this.  "Don't even think for a second that he was weak because, dammit, he's stronger than you'll ever be!"  Bombay and Mr. Banks started to pull Charlie away from the podium, taking him away.  He fought.

"You killed him! All of you!"  Finally, Charlie fell to his knees, punching the ground until the skin broke.  

"Godammit, I killed him." 

~*~  
  


It had nearly been a year since the funeral and each day was more hellish than the last.  Casey had taken to constantly yelling at him.  Stop living in the past, she says.  It wasn't your fault, how long will you wallow in self-pity?  

The Ducks were a joke.  They had disappeared from Charlie's life.  Or was it the other way around?  Charlie was constantly brooding on the top of Gallef Hall: the last place Adam had been when he was alive.  Higher railings had been put around the edge, to prevent other kids from following suit. 

For awhile after Adam's suicide, the press had been all over it, trying to squeeze any information out of Charlie but ended up angry at his seemingly inability to speak.  Charlie remembered, and stared angrily out into the world; it was bleak and gray.  He touched the cold metal railing.  He had started to measure his disintegration on it.  When he first came up there, he was healthy and the railings did a considerable job keeping him out.  As months passed, he was wasting more and more away until now he could easily fit his whole arm and even his legs in between the metal bars.  Did anyone ever blow it as badly as he had?  None of this would be happening if it weren't for him.  Charlie checked the time.  The sun would be going down soon, he only had a short amount of time.  He would skip the rest of classes; it would be worth it. 

Charlie went to his room and pulled on his best clothes.  He didn't want Banksie to see how far he had fallen when he sees him.  He wanted Banksie to think that he was as strong as him.  His pants bagged and his shirt hung loosely on his frame but the jacket that Charlie put on hid both considerably.  Finally, Charlie tucked an object into his pocket and caught a bus half the way there and ran the other half, until his vision grayed.    

He saw the familiar tombstone that marked Adam's place among the hundreds of other dead people.  He touched the smooth stone, turning warm under his fingers.  The sun was setting now.  

"I'm sorry.  You must be sick of hearing that now.  I tell you all the time but it's not going to change anything."  Charlie couldn't help feeling angry.  "Why did you tell me everything was okay?  If it bothered you that much…if I had known I would have dumped that bitch the second I had the chance.  I loved you Adam.  I still do.  I would do anything to make things right.  I'd do anything to make all of this shit go away.  I hate myself more every day.  There's nothing to live for Adam.  Not since you left me.  I want to do things right for once; I want to get my chance, my shot, back.  I'll do it right this time."  

Charlie stood there, swaying with the wind, wondering if Adam was even listening.  He put his hand down that had been extended, touching the tombstone.  It fell back on his side, hitting something hard.  Charlie frowned, then pulled the object out of his pocket as he slowly remembered what he had thought to bring.  As he looked at the metal gun in his hand, a smile started to form across his lips.  

He had one chance to make things right again.

One shot. 

*End* 

  


End file.
